For my very first Military Monday post, I want to introduce my good friend Sara! We met while her husband was stationed in Hawaii and our husband’s were in the same unit. The photo below is us having way too much fun at a painting party! She is an amazing woman who has a lot of character and really enjoys helping others. And her kids are already following in her footsteps!

This blog series – Military Monday – is something I’m really excited about. I can’t wait to highlight the many women that help make the military community a great place to be. Some women are experienced, some are new and hesitant, but we are all a part of something bigger than ourselves, and it benefits everyone when we support each other!

Tell me about yourself, Sara!

One of four girls, divorced parents (Dad is an attorney, Mom was stay at home while married, now day care owner), raised going to the “right” church (ha!) in a small town in TX. Lived there from age 6 months until I married my military man. Never really intended to move more than about 100 miles away from home. My parents never thought I would either. Jokes on them!

How long has your husband been in the Army? How long have you been together?

Jasen has been in the Army via the National Guard, since he was 17. He graduated from college and enlisted, which was when we met. He was a specialist when we met, a sergeant when we got engaged, and a brand new 2LT when we married. We have been together for over 17 years, married almost 16. He hits 20 years in the military (NG time only accounts for a few months toward active duty retirement) next year.

What is your best memory of being with family or friends while your husband was training or deployed?

Two. They were both during Thanksgiving, but about 3 years apart. The first one was the first time Jasen was deployed to Iraq. There were about five of us whose husbands were gone and one grandmother who had come to stay with her grandchildren while her daughter and son-in-law were on a well deserved vacation. That was the year we were overrun with kids. Six women, 15 kids. It was loud and crazy. But beautiful. We had so much fun. Kids everywhere, lots of food and wine. At the end of the meal, we looked up to see that the grandmother in the group (her name is Betty, like my grandmother!) had quietly sneaked out to do the dishes for us. When we jumped up to join her, she told us it was the least she could do for us, who were raising our kids without our husbands, spending countless holidays without them. I could cry right now, thinking of that simple act of kindness.

The second was during Jasen’s second deployment to Iraq. That was such a hard, horrible deployment. Thanksgiving Day, I was blessed to host my mom, grandma, mom’s cousin (more like an aunt to me), her husband and two of their three kids, one who had two kids of her own, plus dear Army friends of ours who lived semi-close by. Yep, a full house. We had all the tables pushed together catty-corner in the dining room. Jasen managed to Skype in right before we ate. He was able to lead us in our prayer before we ate. Again, still brings tears to my eyes. I was and am so thankful Jasen was able to be a part of that holiday.

Do you have any advice for ladies that are just marrying a Soldier, or their husband is just joining the Army?

Be open to anything and everything. Some of the places I least wanted to live were huge blessings. Be prepared. Live ready: live ready for your soldier to stay and live ready for them to leave. Remember the Army will come to an end one day. Be honest: we all suffer when we aren’t transparent with who we really are and what is going on. Stay as positive for your children as you can, without being dishonest. Allow them to have their own feelings, good and bad.

Do you feel a responsibility to volunteer at every unit your husband is in?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. When Jasen took his first command, we had just moved from Germany to Kansas, with little notice and a lot of stress. I had a three year old, was four months pregnant and faced with setting up an FRG, because Jasen was part of a brand new unit. At one point, I looked at Jasen and told him I didn’t think I could do it. Because of his understanding and the support of his Battalion Commander and Commander’s wife, we looked for another wife from the unit who might be willing. We found a superstar NCO’s wife, with great organization skills, who got our FRG up and running. In fact, it was the first one from the whole Brigade that was ready. With Jasen’s second command, I did lead the FRG. And little did I know, the previous Commander had nothing done toward FRG. So I got to start one anyway!

As a Major’s spouse, I was looking forward to a break. But once he got to a Battalion, I was ready to help. Most of the time, when Jasen has been in a deployable unit I have felt the desire and duty to volunteer in the unit. While I do think FRGs are important, I have come to really care about the soldier side of the house. Being in Hawaii was the first time I was able to see really young soldiers, no doubt far from home, and want to help them feel at home. I love single soldier suppers. Cooking is something I love, so it’s an easy way for me to support soldiers. I also love to cook for new mommies or people who have had a loss or illness. I don’t always make every function or event, but I do what I can.

In short, I think volunteering is important. Like everything in life, there are times when you can (and should) be extremely involved. There are other times when it isn’t your season. I volunteer when I can, in a variety of places, not just the unit. But I take a break when I need to.

What was your favorite duty station and why?

Bamberg, Germany was by far my favorite duty station, although I have loved them all for different reasons. While I loved living in Europe and having the luxury of travel, it was so much more about the people and my own personal growth that accounted for that particular duty station being my favorite. That was my first time truly living away from home, learning to stand on my own, becoming my own person as a wife and mother. I grew immensely in my faith during that time, as well. It was the first time Jasen deployed with a unit, as opposed to his one year tour in Korea shortly after we married, where I had little to no military support.

During that time, whole Divisions deployed together. That meant our small duty station in Germany was probably 2/3 soldier free (there were a couple of units not in the Division that weren’t deployed) during the year my husband was gone. It was during that time, I learned the fears, freedoms and blessings of deployments. As mentioned before, I learned to lean on my faith. And I had the MOST amazing friends. Most of us were going through our first deployment. From BG all the way down, we had to support each other. I can remember a holiday where there were at least 14 kids and 5 moms, celebrating a time of thanksgiving.

We did life together, we raised our kids together. We cried and laughed together. We had fun, we traveled, we hiked. My daughter was loved on by some of the most amazing ladies I have ever met. The ladies with older children offered up their kids to babysit when us with younger ones needed a break. It was a hard time. And so wonderful. Deployments are not easy. That one wasn’t easy. But it was a blessing. And I think most of those ladies who were there with me, would tell you the same. We supported without judgment, loved without abandoned, stared down our fears together. It does not get better than that.

What life achievement are you most proud of?

Hands down, my marriage. Jasen and I had a very turbulent early marriage. Lots of mistakes, mistakes that could have been marriage ending. Things that still haunt us. At one point, we had to choose whether we were going to continue on the journey of marriage together or go our separate ways. It was not an easy decision for either of us; we could have easily walked away. In the end, it came down to the vow we made to each other and before God. Did we really mean what we said? Did we truly vow to each other and God that we would stick it out? It has not been easy. Shoot, just regular marriage and Army stresses could have broken us. In fact, we were broken before those stresses ever came about! But we chose to rebuild, to find a firm foundation in our faith, to honor what we had promised to each other and to God.

And we have been blessed. SO BLESSED! It hasn’t been easy. It’s been hard. But we have held onto the idea of sitting on a front porch one day, in rocking chairs, watching our grandchildren play. That has been our goal, our desire. And there have been times that vision was the only thing we could hang onto. And our belief that God would bless us (maybe in this life, maybe in the next!) for our dedication to each other and to Him. I have no college or advanced degree on the wall, no successful career that brings in a lot of money. But what I do have is a husband who knows I will stand beside him and children who will one day know their parents chose (over and over again) to stay together. I find immense value in that.

Have you had any mentors or other wives that helped you along throughout your husband’s military career?

Yes! And those relationships have been wonderful. Three come to mind. One was Jasen’s boss’ wife during that first deployment. Christine and I could not have been any more different: she was a quiet Boston Irish Catholic with kids in middle school. I was a loud Texas Protestant with a toddler. Deployments create friendships that might not make sense on paper. Christine and her kids were like a second family to Grace and me. They all took care of us. And I helped them where I could, mostly with a listening ear for a friend with a soon to be teen daughter. I have known since that time that Christine is one of the biggest blessings to come out of our German duty station. She is loyal, thoughtful and such a rock during hard times. She is still one of the very best friends I have. She has been able to counsel me during deployments, family problems, career decisions, you name it. I adore her and really appreciate her unwavering love and support.

Second was Jasen’s Brigade Commander’s wife at Fort Riley. 2nd deployment during the surge. I was an FRG leader for HHC Brigade and she was my advisor. She encouraged me to be supportive of the other spouses, get them as much information as I could and move on. It was not my job to provide them with a social life, it was not my job to take them to the doctor or care for their children. I was there as a conduit of information between the unit and the spouse; not as a babysitter for unhappy spouses. What a wonderful blessing! It took so much pressure off of me. I really appreciated her down to earth approach and her pragmatism. And she was always happy to roll up her sleeves and help me.

That was a horrible deployment as far as casualties go. Her job as the senior spouse of the Brigade was a tough, very tough one. She did what she could for people, but allowed herself to take a step back when she needed a break. During that deployment, one of the Battalion Commanders in the brigade was severely injured. Her house became Grand Central for people calling, coming by, etc. She was very considerate of keeping me posted on the situation because we were good friends with the injured Commander. One day, out of the blue, she called to see if she could come over and give me an update. It wasn’t until days later I realized she needed a timeout from her own house. Her neighborhood was ground zero for information and support for this injured friend. She needed a quiet and safe place to get away. I felt and still feel honored that I was a safe place for her. She did and has done so much to encourage me to take care of myself. I am glad I was able to help her take care of herself, if only for an afternoon.

Finally, was the wife of the above mentioned LTC. She was prior service and amazing as Battalion FRG advisor. Smart and fun, she could help where needed but didn’t get into the weeds. I really respected that. She opened the coffee group up to all spouses and that endeared her to so many. It really encouraged a team atmosphere, from the top down. The Army had just undergone a huge change to modular units (Brigade Combat Teams) and at her first “gathering” (that’s what she called them), she gave us a flow chart with how the units were now configured. As a spouse who likes to know how things work, how it’s all put together, I really appreciated that! Of course, her husband’s injury was devastating and a shock to us all. She was careful to reach out to those she knew were concerned and close to the situation, while still maintaining the distance she and her kids needed to process what was happening.

She surrounded herself with the people she knew could help her establish and honor the boundaries that she needed. Once her husband returned from downrange and they were in D.C. at Walter Reed [Medical Center], she would let some people know how things were going so they could pass the information along. I don’t know how much thought she put into it, but on the receiving end, I felt cared for during a scary time for all of us, but an extremely challenging time for her and her family. What a blessing! As her husband began his rehab process, I got a few really funny cards from her. She retained the sense of humor I had come to love from her. She was a powerful example of resilience.

What’s the last book you read?

Well, I read more than one at a time. So I finished “Queen Victoria’s Youngest Son: The Untold Story of Prince Leopold” by Charlotte Zeepvat, “Middlemarch” by George Eliot, and “The Hundred Foot Journey” by Richard Morais in the last week.

In two words how would you describe your experience with the military?

Rewarding + Blessed

What is the worst part about moving?

Making friends. I used to have more energy for it. Now that I am a little older, I am tired. And I had friends where I was! I don’t want to make new ones! But it’s necessary. Right now, I am starting to feel lonely where I am because I haven’t gotten out there to make friends. I need to.

Where do you see yourself and your family in 10 years?

Life will be a lot different. I hope Grace has finished college and is enjoying some kind of career. Or close to the end of college! Davis will be embarking on college by then. I hope they will both be secure, confident young adults, capable of making good decisions, but knowing their parents will support and help them in the event of unwise decisions. Roots in who they are, wings to go chase who they want to be.

I hope Jasen is enjoying whatever second career he chooses. By then, I hope I have either gotten a college degree or working in a field I really enjoy or possibly have written a book. More than anything, I hope we are enjoying each other and the new found couple time we will have. We have so much fun together now, we love to laugh. I hope we’re still laughing. And not too deaf and senile! :)

 

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Thank you so much Sara for sharing your story with us. I hope our paths cross again one day!